shoes

i have a certain type of path i have to walk in. my parents and my sibling have set that path but at least i get to wear what ever shoes i want.

goodbye forever

12 years of routine school, routine friends with new ones here and there, routine, routine, routine. but now we are leaving and ill probably stay in touch with 5 of you. but apparently thats normal and i guess I'm ok with that because 12 years of being in school with you guys and i only want to stay in touch with 5 of you. i know ill look back on the pranks and the laughs and the embarrassing stories but I'm not going to miss walking these halls and hating school and having to be fake to some people because i can't speak what i really feel and i can't tell people off because then i will look like a b*tch and "ruin my reputation" but it was fun while it lasted and I'm ready to get out of here. 

real talk i am scared to move out live on my own go to college. people have real feelings now we can't just go and vandalize or prank people and their things we have to be mature and sophisticated and on a good behavior because we are adults. high school was supposed to prepare us for college, make sure we had a good work ethic don't procrastinate, how to study, but i honestly coasted thru high school i didn't care about classes or what i was learning or grades, so yes I'm scared but we are all leaving and we don't really have a choice so farewell to everyone thanks for making high school one hell of an experience. bye forever

remember when

i remember when i broke my first bone.
i remember when i first walked in the junior high doors.
i remember ms. O making me and my friends sit on the cement wall because we were sitting on the tether ball.
i remember trying to make my teeth loose in kindergarten so i could win in who lost the most teeth.
i remember my first kiss, it makes me want to throw up.
i remember my first heart break
i remember how it smelt when you told me he died.
i remember fighting with my brother for the good pillow.
i remember giving my first talk on mothers day and not even talking about mine.
i remember the fun kid you used to be but now you aint go time fo anyone.
i remember not being able to spell remember.
i remember a lot of weird things and pointless conversations and awkward eye contact.

fear

FEARS

heights            

people touching my armpits 
crickets 
being murdered 
college
my grandma
friends
bananas 
having ugly children
tearing my ACL
this world
afraid of settling
not seeing the world
fish 
the unknown
space 
my future
spelling
people
going to the doctors alone
dieing at a young age
dissappoinment 
falling in the shower
crows 
raising my hand

HEIGHTS scare me but i want to go sky diving, paragliding, bungy jumping, etc. 

COLLEGE scares me but i get to meet new people, have a fresh start, really get educated how i want, and live on my own. 

I'm afraid of SETTLING settling for my husband, for my life, for my education, for my opportunities  

THIS WORLD scares me because its so corrupt and different but it has beauty and good people, opportunity, jobs, dreams, adventure, but the world crushes your dreams and that scares me. 

which leads into the fear of RAISING MY CHILDREN in the strange ugly yet beautiful forgiving world. i guess its society that crushes dreams and can ruin a humans life, but its the type of world we live in that changes things

With fear comes great opportunity. (at least from most of my fears)

"fear is the enemy of faith"

a love like that

love is good. love is great. there are so many different types of love.
i feel love when i see snow on the ground
i feel love when my mom makes me breakfast
i feel love when i see others in love
i feel love when i eat sushi
i feel love when i listen to John Mayer, no one says it better than John Mayer

something about those love songs that make you want to feel and be loved. I may have been 16 when i first met him and 17 when we kissed and 18 when he left but it feels like i have been with him for a life time. older people say we are to young and i say they are to old.

It was a love, maybe not one that will last forever but i was in love. we grew together like vines do around a house. we knew each others thoughts and ways like a bird knows its way back to its nest in a world of trees. It was special, nothing like your first love (so I'm told, but I'm waiting for the next one to come and rip my heart out of my chest)

what used to be the good days

i remember playing house.
i remember playing by myself, imagining my own universe.
i remember running around with no shoes not having a care in the world.
i remember being pushed on the swings wanting to go higher but couldn't cause i was to wimpy and my stomach couldn't handle the butterflies
i remember finally being tall enough for those enormous roller coasters and loosing my mind and laughing and crying cause it hurt so good.
i remember being outside more than i was indoors.
i remember going on field trips and how it was such a special occasion.
i remember going to the zoo and wanting to be an animal trainer, then the next day i wanted to be a whole new person and i could be.
i remember staring at the clock waiting for the bell to ring to get those permanant grass stains on my skidded up knees.
 these were the good days. these are the days i crave for.

hello

well this whole thing scares me. 

I'm not exactly sure how to blog or what I'm supposed to say, I'm not meaning things to be deep and dark and twisty and mysterious i really just don't know what to say.
 some of the best blogs are all meaning full and mysterious but truthfully i don't want to open up. and my pen name… my pen name makes me happy (catherine zeta jones, she dips beneath the lasers, ooohhhh) and brings a whole lot of memories flooding to my brain and heart. this probably doesn't make sense and it doesn't a whole lot to me either but its my first blog and I'm learning.